Is self-love something you can obtain through a makeover or a shopping spree? Can you get more of it by reading something inspirational or motivational? Or can a new boo make you love yourself more?

The answer to all of these questions is “no.”

Although they feel good and are gratifying in the moment, you can’t grow in self-love through these types of activities.

Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good; it’s dynamic, which means that it grows through actions that mature us. When we act in ways that expand self-love within ourselves, we begin to accept our weaknesses as well as our strengths much better, have less need to explain away our shortcomings, have compassion for ourselves as human beings struggling to find personal meaning, are more centered in our life purpose and values, and expect living fulfillment through our own efforts.

We usually search for love outwardly because that is how, as children, we found love and security. It was rewarded to us when we did good things, but we didn’t grow out of this as we got older. We continue to look for love in other people, but the truth of it is, the love you are looking for can only come from within. That is why someone else’s love will never be enough for you to be truly happy, and you can never feel safe if you are not comfortable with your own capabilities.

It’s cool shouting, “love yourself” from the top of our lungs, but for those who find it hard to, those who experience their needs going unmet, of having countless disappointing relationships, prolonged periods of isolation or loneliness, abusive partners, or emotionally neglectful parents/caregivers—it can leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you.

So, how do we fix this…?